Today, I write about Honoring Emotional Cleansing. There is so much beneath that statement and what it truly means to me……..
Having my blog for about ten days has been such a blessing. I have to admit, though, that in my personal life, all that I write is not a direct reflection as to what is really happening to me throughout this transformation. I am emotional a roller-coaster. I awoke today to experience a family disagreement between my husband and daughter and I that escalated to a screaming match. It started because I felt that my daugther hadn’t kept her promises to me and that I believed my husband didn’t agree with the boundaries I had set. It doesn’t really matter, because what ensued next went spiralled out of control and left me drained. Unrealistic expectations, unresolved anger, repressed rage, misunderstandings, accusations, denial, all spewed from my mouth and were mirrored back at me from my daughter’s mouth. I lost control, so she lost control. I beieve deep down inside that this whole issue is truly about CONTROL – my area in which I am most vulnerable. I yelled, so she yelled louder. My husband just sat there and observed. He later told me he didn’t know if he should have exploded or if he should have wept. (Unbelievable) How can you know inside what is truth, and strive to live it every day and then have your family members tell you that you haven’t changed, that you’ve ruined their life, and that you transfer all of your anger onto them, and that you’re approach is always wrong?. How do you take back words? How do you live the change? How do you BE the change? Does anyone out there have this all figured out yet?
I wish it was as easy as taking my dirty car through the car wash. I almost feel like a hypocrite for writing my blogs. I mean, how could all this insight and knowledge that I share here, not be noticed or embraced by my own husband and daughter? My family and my extended family? My friends? As I type each blog, I feel so alive, so aware, encouraged and happy and secure in the emotional cleansing – owning that I am wiping away the insecurities, the low self-esteem, the perfectionism. I am distancing myself from being a ‘victim’ and am constantly erasing the pain and memories from the myriad of incidences that have affected my entire life – and brought me to who I am , and what I am – at this moment in time – from the sexual abuse by my maternal grandfather, that I endured and overcame as a young woman, the alcoholism from both my maternal and paternal grandfathers, the physical and emotional and fear of abandonement issues surrounding my own dad due to his drinking and outburst of rage, the food and the over-weight issues, the control issues, the money issues, the passive-aggressive nature of my own mom, and all of the ‘stuff’ that goes on between mothers and daughters, the yelling, the recurrent screaming matches between me and my own parents, everything. The last thing my daughter said to me today was ‘bye’ and as she left her final text message – she wrote that our family is ‘sick’ and she is distancing herself from all of us and that she can’t wait to go to college, I remembered saying ALL of the same things to my own parents – How does history keep repeating itself? How do I honor myself emotionally on the inside, but the outside is still laden with all the crap from years of struggle?
How do I really embrace Radical Forgiveness when I am surrounded by people who can’t? Or who won’t? How do I honor my own emotional cleansing when the crud is caked on so thick it feels like it cannot be washed off?
How do we, as emotional souls, repel the people we want the closest to us? How do we push people away when all we want to do is reach out and hold them and hug them? Why do we not get the underlying message, that keeps revealing itself to us over and over and over?
Today I humble myself and write my summary from a place of personal exhaustion. From a place of failure, fearful worry, and from a place of heightened awareness that knowing what I should say or do, is different than living it and owning it. WE all make mistakes. ALL I seek is to grow on this journey – to love and be loved. I pray for peace, for getting rid of my combat boots, for removing the cloak of despair, for changing my attitude to gratitude and for the gift of forgiveness. I, too, am broken. For that, I weep. I am so sad. At different points in time, WE all are. The only answer is Divine Truth and Divine intervention and Radical Forgiveness, and if anyone reading and blogging today has some inspirational words of encouragment, I would be blessed if you shared it with me.